At fifty years of age, I feel like I’m just now really figuring out how to live my life. Too bad I’m more than likely past the halfway point. That thought really stirs up my childhood belief that life isn’t fair. Sure I know it’s not about fair. Part of me is so amazingly grateful to be figuring out some of the really important stuff. That causes another part of me to anticipate and feel some of the deep grief that comes as I more fully realize my life is heading much too rapidly to an end. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

Too young to really think about the end? I’ve been doing that since I was old enough to realize I was going to die. What a shock that was. I still believe that realization is partly to blame for my inability to sleep well. It’s way past my bedtime as I write this. As a child, I would lie in bed in bewilderment and fear. How could I find time to sleep? I stay awake now in the throes of a passion to not miss out on anything and to do everything I possibly can before I die, and that’s a long to do list!

This isn’t the first time I’ve wondered where I’ve been all my life. I didn’t invent existential midlife crises, but I do believe I’ve perfected them. The first one came as that six or seven year old lying awake in that narrow bed listening to taps being played at Fort McPherson. I used to think that once I kind of figured life out, I could kick back and relax for once. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

Well, I’m figuring life out and there’s not a lot of kicking back going on. Turning 50 has kicked in the afterburners and I’m as busy as ever. The difference between being so busy in my earlier years and now is that my present activities are much more meaningful. I’ve replaced chaos with stability. I’m astounded that I’ve lived in the same place for 16 years! The longest I’d ever lived in one place was three years. Enough already. I need some sleep.

Tonight’s story does have a happy ending. I get to crawl back into bed with my most delicious wife and take at least a nap before I sit with my clients tomorrow and help us all learn to love more, worry less and take in the blessings of this most amazing of ages, the one I am and the one I live in. On to fifty-one.

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