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Love and Relationships
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Written by Dorree Lynn, PhD
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Friday, 30 April 2010 17:29 |
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Some common come-on lines to watch out for:
- You’re the most talented man/woman I ever met.
- You’re so beautiful, I can’t help myself.
- I’m going to leave my husband/wife when the kids are grown.
- I think I love you, now let’s go to bed.
- My husband/wife doesn’t understand me, but I know you do.
- I’m sterile; I don’t need to use condoms.
- I’m so turned on, I can’t think. I’ve never been tested but I know I don’t have an STD.
- I’ve always been monogamous.
- You are the first.
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Written by Dorree Lynn, PhD
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Monday, 29 March 2010 20:19 |
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 Guess what? Communication is not the key. Yes, you read that correctly! People always say communication is the key to improving your relationship, but clearly, that’s not true.We’re already always communicating.Yelling is communicating, abuse is communicating, the raised eyebrows of countless unsaid criticisms are communicating, unfulfilled sex is communicating, and bickering over who didn’t put the top on the peanut butter jar or why the toothpaste was squeezed the wrong way is communicating. And we can probably agree that not too much of any of that is helpful for improving relationships, feeling close, or having great sex.
The real key is honest, positive communication that makes your relationship better for both of you so that you feel more understood, appreciated, connected, bonded, trusting, and/or turned-on. However, honest, positive communication does not always mean being nice. It does mean learning how to be truthful about your own needs without purposely being hurtful and actively listening to what your partner has to say without getting wounded every time he or she tells you something you would rather not hear.
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Written by Eddie Reece, MS, LPC
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Tuesday, 02 March 2010 17:06 |
 A few more words about ownership. To own is to have dominion over. Dominion is territorial. It connotes power and authority over. When you own, you have a sense of control over, a say so about the other’s actions and beliefs. Not too many people want to be owned, but most want to own. There are countless “normal” beliefs and actions in romantic relationships that stem from the sense of ownership.
I hear it on the golf course all the time. “I can’t play next week, my wife wants me to…” That’s always said with the tone of a hopelessness and resentment, as in “I’ll never be able to be the person I want to be.” Those resentments, no matter how small, the feelings that we can’t be who we are or do what we want, build up over time and cause friction in romantic relationships.
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Written by Eddie Reece, MS, LPC
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Tuesday, 02 March 2010 17:04 |
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Take two people at 19 years old who make a lifetime commitment to always stay together. In my mid fifties, I’m old enough to know I didn’t know much about myself or how the world really works at 19 to make such commitment. Most of us over 30 are very different in lifestyle than we were at 19. I think there’d be more love in the world if we reexamined our choice to love at every moment. A yes is only a yes if there’s an option for a no. When someone leaves a relationship because they want their freedom, I think this is what they’re talking about. The obligation has worn thin. They want their freedom to choose whom to love, a freedom from obligation. So now our couple is attempting to live up to obligations made when they were different people living in different times. They now have different needs and different criteria for whom they choose to love, what they want to do with their lives, but what to do about the commitment to love forever?
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Written by Eddie Reece, MS, LPC
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Tuesday, 02 March 2010 17:02 |
Let’s follow a typical romantic relationship. Two people fall in love. Lots of lust, parasitic feelings and an overwhelming desire to declare ownership over the beloved. Under the influence of lust, which is a form of accepted insanity, a life changing decision is made to commit to love the other forever. So in other words, each declare they will always choose to love the other, regardless of any changes that happen.
To begin with, you’d need supernatural powers to love someone after you’re dead, so forever is stretching it a bit. But, insanity will do that to a thought process. You can’t own someone unless they’re a slave, but our culture teaches us we have ownership over others. It’s in the very nature of our language. “My significant other.” The word my is used as a prefix to define most of our relationships. My friend, my brother, my attorney. We don’t own these people, but we speak as if we do. I don’t think this is a good idea to speak as if we own folks, but our cultural infrastructure doesn’t leave us much choice.
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Written by Eddie Reece, MS, LPC
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Tuesday, 02 March 2010 17:00 |
I’m sure you know what a verb is so let’s get back to love. The work of love with someone is listening and being there for them. It’s choosing to do what is necessary for the other. It involves sacrifice, but not the kind that creates an obligation or turns you into someone you’re not. With true love, you’d never hear, “After all I’ve done for you, you treat me like this.” Love is a gift. When you give a gift, there are no expectations for a return on your investment.
Here’s a twist on the conventional wisdom that love is unconditional. I don’t think it’s unconditional at all. Since love is a choice, there must be qualifications. I can’t love everybody. I don’t even know everybody and if love is action, I don’t have the time to love 6 billion people. I think we choose whom we love and it’s best if it’s an ongoing decision making process. People change, conditions change and our choices about love change.
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Written by Eddie Reece, MS, LPC
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Tuesday, 02 March 2010 16:54 |
Today’s word is love, part one of a 5 part series. A lot of conflict happens because people have different definitions to this simple word. Most of the time, I think those definitions are wrong. So what is love? After all the poetry, music, books and movies on the subject, you’d think we’d have this one down by now. Here’s some ideas of what I think love is.
Love is like my garden. When I look at it, spend time out there, I have a number of feelings and behaviors. I admire it, I praise it, I share peaceful moments with it. Those satisfying feelings are not love. Love is not a feeling. So if it’s not a feeling, what is it?
To know what love is, let’s first turn to what it’s not. In my consulting room, one of the most common definitions of love is admiration. When people fall in love, they form a mutual admiration club. That’s not love. Neither is the lust they feel. Falling in love should be called falling in lust. You only lust for people you want to have sex with, so it’s about sex, not love. Falling in love happens to us. True love is a choice.
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Written by Dorree Lynn, PhD
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Monday, 01 March 2010 18:02 |
 Everyone wants to feel respected, worthy, whole, and accepted. Couples feel the most secure when their closest relationships feel comfortable and safe. Each partner wants to feel accepted and not judged. Sometimes, fear of losing one’s partner or fear of upsetting them (which might lead to losing them), can hold people back from fully revealing themselves. By not expressing their feelings, they believe they can avoid the pain of loss, or at least limit the pain. But by not being your total self, you are already losing something, and either way loss hurts. And in the meantime, what you’ve really lost is the everyday pleasure that true love and emotional intimacy can bring. Living in fear of future loss stops you from enjoying the present. Connection and closeness nurture couples. The sense of safety and care promotes stable and growing relationships. At midlife, you have the time you may not have had earlier in your life to get in touch with and share your emotions with your partner. Sharing feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, and needs
builds emotional intimacy.
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Written by Mary Liepold
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Thursday, 21 January 2010 19:22 |
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 We are all touched by Haiti’s tragic circumstances. FiftyandFurthermore has given a donation, as have many of you. We can’t accept cash donations on this site now, but we welcome thoughts and wishes from your hearts. Veering from our usual themes of relationships and sex (at any age, it’s a short step to love and babies), we are proud to present our writer and blog of choice below, by Mary Liepold.
The disastrous earthquake hit Haiti on January 12, and on January 13 my daughter gave birth to a baby boy. I alternated for most of a week between distracting our two-year-old granddaughter from her mama’s prolonged absence and helping to cuddle and soothe the newborn.
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Written by Dorree Lynn, PhD
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Thursday, 14 January 2010 18:30 |
 Here’s a true love story I came across. This wedding announcement is proof that in today’s era, age is no barrier to love. (The following excerpt is quoted from an article in the Washington Post.)
"I never even really wanted to get married," Bova, 65, says, sitting in an Arlington cafe in a denim jacket embellished with tan suede fringe and glimmering studs. "I didn't think it was a role that I would be good at because relationships always seem to end."
A peripatetic life had made that the case for Kameo, too. The 32-year-old engineer's family had moved dozens of times before he reached fifth grade. When his father finally settled in North Carolina, he became an all-star defensive tackle on the high school football team but gave up a college scholarship to join the Green Berets. After six years in the military, Kameo grew "tired of getting shot at," so he left for civilian life.
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