Fifty & Furthermore

Dear Dr. Dorree,

I don’t understand what happened to my marriage. I thought it would last forever and now we are miserable and haven’t had sex for months. How do I get my old wife back? -Jackson, 54

Jackson,

Like it or not, not one of us is getting our former wives or husbands back. Among the many things they don’t tell you when you’re young is the fact that, even if you stay with the same woman or man for your entire life, there is really no such thing as a single long-term relationship. You are actually having a series of many sequential relationships with the same person. Just like our ever-changing bodies, you change, she changes, and your relationship changes. Even if you just became aware of it, your relationship has been changing all along and it will continue to change into the future.

The good news is that you can have a big impact on where your relationship will go next. The first step is facing facts. If you or your partner is dissatisfied, then that is probably a good place to start. Sometimes, the very thing you loved about a partner in the beginning becomes the thing you can’t stand about them now. (“He used to finish my sentences, now he doesn’t let me speak.”) Or the comfort of the relationship allows deeper issues to be exposed.

Here are some of the more common stressors that typically challenge relationships.Try choosing the ones that most impact yours.

* Damaged dreams
* Poor communication
* Emotional, physical, or sexual neglect or abuse
* Infidelity or broken trust that has not been addressed or worked through
* More anger, arguing, bickering, or resentment than fun and joy
* Financial or family worries or differences of opinions about these matters
* Prolonged stress or emotional distress such as depression or anxiety
* Addictions or prolonged use of sleep medication
* Illness
* Boredom
* Unsatisfying sexual connection

Given that none of us are perfect, that we all have our issues, and we each are constantly growing and changing at our own rates (making it hard to even live with ourselves sometimes), it is a wonder that long-term relationships survive and thrive at all!

It can be very helpful for each partner to do their personal psychological work, as well as work together as a couple. Some great resources are the books and workshops by Harvel Hendrix for healing childhood issues that may be impinging on your adult relationships, particularly first marriages.

Dr. Dorree