Fifty & Furthermore

What’s Your Sex Style?

By  Dr. Dorree Lynn
From NABBW 04.21.11

Individuals  and  couples  often develop  their  own  sex  styles  that partially  reflect  their  personalities and relationships.

Every sex style is good if you both enjoy it and it leads to satisfying sex.

Experimenting with another style once in a while can be exciting, too. Like food, variety really does add spice to life.

Occasionally, a rigid sex style can block you from experiencing other kinds of lovemaking.

Remember,  no  individual  or  couple  is  ever  all  one  style,  but most do have preferences or patterns. Which one are you?

Funny sex. You laugh and tease one another in bed. For you, foreplay and sex are all about  having  fun  together.  Potential blind spot: you might be missing out on the more relaxed and intimate side of sex.

Angry sex. You make love even when you’re ticked off at each other, or maybe right after a big blowup. This sex style can be healing, as long as you make sure that your problems are eventually talked about and resolved. Potential blind spot: when do you get a chance to make love without war first?

Lusty sex. This style can be full of wicked and flirty looks at each other, a passionate kiss in the grocery store when no one is looking, an unexpected quickie, and the joy of having sex just for the sake of sex. Potential blind spot: lusty sex alone sometimes becomes a way to avoid emotional intimacy and vulnerability.

Tender sex. You love gentle, romantic, healing sex that may involve  soothing  massage,  light  touches,  candlelight,  soft music,  sharing  secrets,  and  ministering  to  each  another. Potential blind spot: where’s the heat?

Fantasy  sex.  Your  adventuresome  spirit  is  to  be  envied  by many.  Role-playing, costumes,  fetishes,  images  (alone  or shared)  provide  saucy  spice.  Potential blind spot:  make  sure your real lover remains in the picture.

Comfort  sex.  Just  another  ho-hum,  tired-at-the-end-of-the-day roll in the hay. You snuggle next to each other, some caressing starts, maybe there’s intercourse, maybe not. You feel connected  and  relaxed  before  falling  asleep.  Potential  blind spot:  Comfort  patterns  are  easy  to  get  into  and  difficult  to leave. Keep some reserve energy for times of desire and passion.

Accommodating  sex.  He/she  wants  sex  and  you  go  along. You’re not that into it at first, but can lie back (or just relax) and enjoy it if your partner initiates and does most of the “work.” Sometimes,  pleasing  a  horny  partner  is  generous.  Potential blind spot: could become a habit unless you make sure the favor is returned and you still have times of mutual passion.

Wild-side sex. You go for new sex toys, whips, chains, ceiling hooks,  films,  pornography,  and  erotic  books.  Potential blind spot: make sure your body can twist like a pretzel, and ask yourself if you still have desire even without all the extra bells and whistles.

Tantric  or  Kama  Sutra  sex.  You  both  breathe  deeply  and mutually  expand  your  sexual  (and  possibly  even  spiritual) experiences by focusing on the process rather than only on the end goal. Potential blind spot: Are you gaining a new, passionate  experience  or  losing  your  fire?  Take  a  pass  on  the  self criticism if this kind of sex turns out not to be your thing.

Dr. Dorree Lynn, NABBW’s Boomer Women Sexuality Expert is the founder and Editor-In Chief of FiftyandFurthermore.com, a lifestyle website that is known for offering sexy, savvy and sage advice for grownups over 50. She also blogs at www.DrDorreeLynn.com and writes a column in  Upbeat Senior. She is  a practicing psychologist and life coach in Washington, D.C. and Florida with over 4 decades of experience.

Building Your Communication Toolbox

By Dr. Dorree Lynn
From NABBW 04.05.11

Honest and effective communication takes tools, skills, and practice. Here are some ways to let the things you say nurture and grow your relationship.

Use  “I”  statements.  Take ownership of your feelings and thoughts.  State your personal beliefs and feelings clearly and plainly. For example, instead of “You are so loud and annoying. Why do you keep bothering me?” you can say “I felt scared when you slammed the door. I would really like it if you could please be gentler when you leave.” (Follow the phrase “I feel” with an actual feeling word, like sad, mad, bad, glad, and other feeling words, not a criticism, such as “I feel you are really stupid.”)

Avoid blame. Stick with what happened and how it affected you, not what a mess you think the other person is. Avoid saying “you always” or “you never.” Besides being blaming, it’s also probably inaccurate.

Be positive  and focus on what you want. “I love it when you touch my shoulder when you walk past me.”  Or use a  “you”  compliment:  “Your  smile  makes  me happy.” Turn a negative into a positive.  Instead of saying “I hate it when you’re late,” try “I really like it when you pick me up on time. It makes me feel loved.”

Be direct. “Would you please give me a shoulder rub? I feel so much better when it’s your special touch.”

Reveal yourself. “I get a tingling feeling when you are near me.” Or “I have a secret. I used to get sick when I smelled hot dogs cooking. I still don’t do so well even when you cook them at home. I always felt uncomfortable telling you why I want to walk out.” (Self-revelation doesn’t have to start with big things.)

Be honest and offer positive solutions. “I have never liked your  giving  me  oral  sex  and  I’ve  always  been  afraid  to  hurt your feelings. But if we try starting on my thighs, I might be able to learn.” Or “I think that shade of green is not the best for you.  Let’s see what  color  shirt  will  show  off  your  handsome face.”

Be patient and kind. “Thank you for trying to be gentler in bed. I know how hard it is to change.”

Dr. Dorree Lynn, NABBW’s Boomer Women Sexuality Expert is the founder and Editor-In Chief of FiftyandFurthermore.com, a lifestyle website that is known for offering sexy, savvy and sage advice for grownups over 50. She also blogs at www.DrDorreeLynn.com and writes a column in  Upbeat Senior. She is  a practicing psychologist and life coach in Washington, D.C. and Florida with over 4 decades of experience.

Good Food for Good Sex

By Dr. Dorree Lynn
From NABBW 02.10.11

We are not going to tell you what foods to eat.

We believe green is good. However, some who live long never touch the stuff  and  there  are  plenty  of  cultures  that  eat,  drink,  and  be merry and somehow stay healthy while they’re doing it. Their foods  are  mostly  unprocessed  and  they  tend  to  eat  them  in moderation.

On the whole, America’s fast food diets seem to be health killers.  But no one diet is  right  for  everyone.  Pay attention to what you do eat.

Some foods are considered aphrodisiacs.

For example, there is some evidence that:

• Chili  peppers  heat  up  the  bedroom  by  triggering  feel good endorphins.
  • Chocolate, while not great for the waistline, is rich in the amino acid phenylethylamine,  the  “love  chemical”  that serves as a natural antidepressant.
  • Pine nuts and oysters are both rich in zinc, which is necessary for sperm production.
  • Tomatoes, dubbed in Italy as “love apples,” are packed with lycopene, known for being  a  libido  enhancer.  (Lycopene improves eyesight, too, which also can be sexy.

Dr. Dorree Lynn, NABBW’s Boomer Women Sexuality Expert is the founder and Editor-In Chief of FiftyandFurthermore.com, a lifestyle website that is known for offering sexy, savvy and sage advice for grownups over 50. She also blogs at www.DrDorreeLynn.com and writes a column in  Upbeat Senior. She is  a practicing psychologist and life coach in Washington, D.C. and Florida with over 4 decades of experience.

Link: http://nabbw.com/expert-columns/love-sex-and-dating/boomer-women-sexuality/good-food-for-good-sex/

Plenty of Fish in the Sea: Seeking Love After 50

By Dr. Dorree Lynn
From NABBW 12.14.10

“Wouldn’t you love somebody to love?”

Both Grace Slick and the late, great rocker Janis Joplin certainly thought so. (Remember, Grace and the Jefferson Airplane sang “Somebody to Love?” And Joplin was famous for “I Need a Man to Love”…)

In today’s fast-paced, ever-changing world, many people in their 50s, 60s, 70s (and beyond) suddenly find themselves unwillingly and often unexpectedly alone.

Unless you want to give up shared sex entirely and live by yourself, the time may come when you are once again (or perhaps for the first time) seeking a partner.

Are You Ready to Start Dating?

At any age, the thought of dating can be both a thrilling and a chilling prospect.

Dating after 50 can be a strange, even scary experience, as well as an exciting and empowering adventure.

So much depends on one’s attitude, self-confidence, and practical knowledge about how to navigate the after-50 dating world.

You ask yourself:

• Am I too old?
• Where do I look?
• Is there really anyone for me out there?
• Will he/she really like me?
• Am I attractive enough?
• What will I do?
• What will I wear?
• Is it really worth the bother?
• And what about sex? If I go out, do I have to put out?
• Do folks after 50 still seek the same things in a partner that they wanted in high school or their last marriages? Do I even know what my needs and desires are?

Most of us don’t know exactly what we want.

That’s why it’s called the “dating game,” as much as that term may make you cringe. The game of dating after 50 is often as much about discovering who you are now, at this stage of your life, as it is about finding a good partner. So if you’d rather have a root canal than even think about dating, the first step in the dating game is to understand that you really can do this.

Even you, “at your age,” can learn about yourself and be open to the possibility of finding love and happiness. Whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or exploring, and no matter how you look, where you live, or what your health status, there are gazillions of single people in the world and many of them could easily be a good match for you.

But it doesn’t happen automatically. You can’t just sit home and expect Mr. or Ms. Right to magically appear at your door. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you do have to leave the office or your house to find them. Dating after 50 takes some research, smart thinking, a cautiously open heart, and the willingness to learn more about yourself on route to your future.

Ten Top Tips:

1. You are never too busy to date.
2. You are a catch. Consider your assets, your interests, your wisdom and all your Bonus Years have taught you.
3. Dating is an education. Use each dating experience to learn something and to say “thank you” for the education.
4. Use the Internet, but use it wisely. Email and phone calls are worth the effort BEFORE you meet someone.
5. Use Truth in Advertising. Be realistic about yourself, your wonderful qualities and if you are posting a picture, use a recent one.
6. Meet for lunch coffee, tea or a drink. That way if you are bored, you haven’t wasted time and can leave quickly.
7. Be honest. If you don’t want to see someone again, tell him or her you think they are nice, but that the two of you aren’t a good match. You may meet many frogs before you find a worthy partner.
8. Do activities that you like with single or married friends. That way you can still have a good time, even if you haven’t met your perfect soul mate.
9. Dating is not a romantic fairy tale. Accept yourself with your wonderful qualities as well an as your flaws. At this age, we all come with baggage.  Know your own and seek someone else whose baggage is tolerable as well.
10. Make a “three bears” wish list. Not too loose, not too tight, but realistically “just right” enough to receive a surprise package.

One last special rule:

CONDOMS ARE A NECESSITY! THE LIFE YOU SAVE MAY BE YOUR OWN!

Dr. Dorree Lynn, NABBW’s Boomer Women Sexuality Expert is the founder and Editor-In Chief of FiftyandFurthermore.com, a lifestyle website that is known for offering sexy, savvy and sage advice for grownups over 50. She is also a practicing psychologist and life coach in Washington, D.C. and Florida with over 4 decades of experience.

Link: http://nabbw.com/expert-columns/love-sex-and-dating/boomer-women-sexuality/plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea-seeking-love-after-50/

Hot and Heavy

Posted By : Dr. Dorree Lynn
From NABBW 11.29.10

We all know it’s not healthy to be overweight, but it’s a myth that fat people, even very obese people, don’t make love.

In the real world, sex is more likely to be impeded by anxiety than adiposity. Fear of rejection, fear of not meeting the partner’s expectations, and fear of not being able to perform are among the most common emotional barriers to intercourse. Overweight people suffer all these problems in spades. The body-image and social pressures they endure create numerous obstacles to sexual interaction. The most direct effect on sexuality comes from prolonged semi-starvation dieting, which can seriously dampen the libido.

Fat is never stored in the penis, nor does it choke off access to the ovaries (as Hippocrates taught and generations of physicians believed), so the basic equipment required for intercourse works, even at very high weights. An item in the New York Times, datelined March 28, 1936, tells the world that Mrs. Gertrude Karns gave birth that day to a healthy 9-pound 3-ounce baby girl at a hospital in Shreveport, Louisiana. Mrs. Karns weighed in at 745 pounds and the father, Cliff, weighed 304.

In some cultures, being overweight is considered an asset. Men in Fiji, and other similar cultures, for example, covet obese women as a sign of prosperity. But in the U.S., highly paid and highly visible fashion models tell us thin is in. So when we carry a little extra weight, we often tend to feel we are not quite right and our body image makes us want to hide.

Since putting on pounds happens more easily and taking them off becomes more difficult with age, watch your weight for health reasons, not image. Excess fat can cause serious health problems (breathing problems, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and more) that can cause you to be less active, have less sex, and be more vulnerable to illness, perhaps even shortening your life. Eating less is not always the answer. Sometimes the choice of food, when you eat it, and how active you are play bigger roles in achieving and maintaining healthy weight.

If you and/or your partner are overweight, you may find that experimenting with some new intercourse positions, described in my recent book, Sex For Grownups: Dr. Dorree Reveals the Truths, Lies and Must-tries for Great Sex after 50;  (Chapter 5) may help you maximize closeness. If you feel self-conscious about your body, try dimming the lights or leaving on a bit of loose-fitting clothing until you feel more comfortable. And remember, sex burns calories!

Dr. Dorree Lynn, NABBW’s Boomer Women Sexuality Expert is the founder and Editor-In Chief of FiftyandFurthermore.com, a lifestyle website that is known for offering sexy, savvy and sage advice for grownups over 50. She is also a practicing psychologist and life coach in Washington, D.C. and Florida with over 4 decades of experience.

Link: http://nabbw.com/expert-columns/love-sex-and-dating/boomer-women-sexuality/hot-and-heavy/

Getting an STD From Your Partner During Midlife

By Dr. Dorree Lynn
From NABBW 09.22.10

Seven Things Women Wish Men Knew About Sex

By Dr. Dorree Lynn
From NABBW 08.22.10