Anal Sex
Dear Dr. Dorree,
My partner has been trying for months to convince me to have anal sex with him, which he says I am going to love. I’ve never tried it before and I am afraid it might hurt. What should I do? —Maggie Rose, 59
If you don’t want to try something, you certainly don’t have to. On the other hand, it can be useful in life to have an open mind and at least consider something new. Some people like to be aroused or have orgasms from anal play, or from penile and vaginal play plus anal stimulation, with or without penetration. It’s all good as long as you like it, your partner likes it, and no one gets hurts.
If you want to give this a try, you can start with gentle touching of the anus, perhaps with a neutral lubricant designed for this purpose. If you enjoy this and want to experiment further, you can try slowly inserting a finger tip (yours or his, with the nail well-trimmed) into the anus. A relaxed anus is capable of expanding and accepting a finger, dildo, or penis. Most people who engage in anal sex thoroughly enjoy it. Anything that hurts or feels uncomfortable can and should be immediately curtailed.
If this is something you’d like to try, here are some tips for first-timers:
- Discuss it ahead of time and agree on what you will and won’t do. This is supposed to be pleasurable.
- Check your brain for any lingering myths that body parts are not supposed to be for fun. Your entire body belongs to you to enjoy as you please.
- Take a bath or shower first if you feel self-conscious about hygiene.
- Lubricate. Always err on the side of being extra wet. It feels good and prevents irritation or pain.
- Proceed gently. Anal tissues need time to expand to accommodate whatever enters. If it hurts or feels bad in any way, stop for a while and maybe try again with something smaller, like a finger.
- Give feedback about what you like and don’t like. -Remember to breathe and to bear down. People tend to hold their breath when anxious or in pain, constricting muscles that could otherwise easily relax and expand.
- Keep vibrators and sex toys clean and dry after each use. (Condoms make great sex toy covers). Consider putting a towel over your bed sheet as it is easier to wash (unless, of course, you are spontaneously bending over a chair, kitchen counter, or other creative place).
- Wash penis and sex toys before entering another orifice.
The one thing you never want to do or let your partner do is use any kind of anal desensitizer. The anus is fine for sex play and has delicate membranes of its own. Anything shoved up the rectum too quickly or anything inserted that may be too large can tear these delicate tissues. There is no reason to ever numb the anus. The nerve endings there function on many levels and help you have pleasurable sensations and slowly feel your way toward pleasure, not pain.
