Dear Dr. Dorree,

I’ve been secretly using a vibrator for years, usually when my husband is out of town, or at least out of the bedroom. Lately, I’ve been longing to include the vibrator in our lovemaking, but I don’t want him to think less of me. How can I bring this up?

—Rita, 72

Rita,

Why would your husband think less of you for enjoying a vibrator? Maybe he would like to use it, too. (Maybe he already does!) Did you know that nearly half of men and 53 percent of woman say they use vibrators, according to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2009? And vibrators are not just for masturbating. Researchers at Indiana University surveyed more than 3,000 mostly heterosexual adults in 2008 and discovered that, among people who say they use a vibrator, 81 percent of women and 91 percent of men reported enjoying it with a partner. In fact, according to two separate studies, vibrator use is associated with more positive sexual function and being more proactive in caring for one’s sexual health.

No longer just a solo act, sex with vibrators has come of age. Once considered merely a temporary tool to help “sexually dysfunctional females” achieve orgasm (as reported in the
Journal of Popular Culture back in 1974), today’s vibrators are as common in American bedrooms as coffee pots in our kitchens.And rather than having to buy a vibrator in the back room of some adult sex store or through the mail in a plain paper wrapper, now you can grab one right off the shelves at Sharper Image,Walmart,Walgreens,CVS, and both high-end and inexpensive department stores—in fact, at almost any mall. Even easier, you can buy online. At www.FiftyandFurthermore.com, Dr. Dorree recommends vibrators that she
thinks are great.Or for an even wider selection, www.amazon.com has a Sexual Wellness store with more than at least 25,000 items, and countless other legitimate non-porn websites abound.

Vibrators can be fun, inexpensive, easy to use, portable (take it on vacation!), and best of all good for you. All forms of sex, with or without orgasm, are healthy (assuming your heart can handle it). And getting your buzz on with a vibrator promotes positive sexual function at every age.

So the next time you are headed for bed with your husband, if you think he will take it well, try leaving your secret pleasure toy out in the open, perhaps on his pillow, perhaps with a love note, and see what happens. Or if you suspect a vibrator surprise might be seen as a negative message, you could have a conversation with him about it first to relieve any anxiety either of you may be feeling. Remember, this is your life partner. He can probably handle the truth about what you really want, and in any case, this is your time to be your true and authentic self, while keeping what is best for your relationship in mind.

Dr. Dorree

Do you use a vibrator?  If so, do you feel comfortable using one with your partner?